Gratitude or appreciation is a key predictor of happiness, and if you are fortunate enough to be someone who already routinely feels grateful, then you are likely to be aware of the positive emotional benefits that it creates for you. It’s one of the components of the wellbeing formula I use and recommend.
If you’re feeling “stressed out”, unhappy or fearful, I urge you to prioritise dialing up your gratitude.
And if being grateful isn’t something that comes naturally to you, this is something you can learn by introducing some simple gratitude-inducing rituals and habits into your life. Anyone can find things to be grateful for. And the more we can develop and embed a habit of being grateful and appreciative, the happier (and less doubting and fearful) we will become.
It is not joy that makes us grateful, it’s gratitude that makes us joyful.”
Brother David Steindl-Rast
Negativity bias
We have an inbuilt “negativity bias”, which I have mentioned previously when talking about fear. It’s a hangover from our cave-dwelling days, and it evolved to keep us safe. But whilst I am the first to recommend “leaning in” to so-called negative emotions and analysing the events that lead up to them in order to learn from them and avoid experiencing them again where possible, we generally tend to spend more time thinking about what is bad/negative in life than is helpful for us. We’re often aided in this focus by our mainstream media – “bad news sells” and by people around us. Bathing in so much negativity can of course set us up for anxiety and depression. We can go some way to countering this by training ourselves to consciously focus on what is good, what makes us happy and what we have available to us.
Small steps to gratitude – a two way street
It’s easy to start small in cultivating an “attitude of gratitude” by learning to create awareness about where your attention is and then direct it towards something positive that you’re noticing in the moment. If this sounds so ridiculously easy, that’s because it is! Lining up at a café to get your coffee or having your bags packed at the supermarket – notice and appreciate the person serving you. If they’re cheerful, polite or friendly, engage with them and appreciate them.
Like so many students, I had waitressing jobs. I will never forget getting my first tip. I still remember that feeling of being genuinely appreciated. Share your appreciation with the person, otherwise “feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it”. It makes them feel great and you too will feel good in the moment – a win:win.
Sometimes in the hustle and bustle, we can forget to take a few seconds to appreciate someone’s efforts or contribution. Think about organisations, where appreciation boosts employee engagement, motivation and retention. It can positively impact culture and strengthen relationships. All we need to do is be present and aware and we can have an enormous impact. Also, think about how you feel when you’re efforts go unnoticed or unappreciated. The wonderful thing about gratitude is that it makes both the giver and the receiver feel good.
Even in challenging situations we can train ourselves to become better at noticing and appreciating the silver lining. This can create profound transformation, as it has for me.
Fault finding vs benefit finding
Given our negativity bias, we are highly adept at honing in on the problems and “what’s wrong” with a situation/thing/person. For some, this can become a habit that shapes interactions with the world and other people. There’s not a lot of room for happiness in this approach to life.
Break the habit of this by beginning to instead observe the good in a situation/thing/person. It might take some doing in the beginning (after all we’re talking about rewiring the brain and potentially undoing the habits of a lifetime) but it can be done. All we’re talking about is cultivating the ability to notice the positive rather than go straight to the negative default setting. Do this over time and notice the improvement in your outlook and your relationships.
Now I’ll share two ideas from Martin Seligman’s book “Flourish” to help you start creating “an attitude of gratitude”.
What went well exercise – also known as “Three Blessings”
Something else we can do which has a major impact on our wellbeing is to think about and savour what went well. Every night for the next week set aside 10 minutes before you go to sleep. Write down 3 things that went well for you that day and why they went well. It’s important to make sure you write them down, not just think about them. They may be little things or more momentous things, it doesn’t matter. Chances are if you keep up this practice, you will be less depressed, happier and you might even become addicted to this exercise 6 months from now. It really does work and this exercise has worked even with very depressed people.
I haven’t done this as a written exercise, but if I’m having trouble getting to sleep and feeling anxious I now routinely bring my awareness to what I feel grateful for. As I do this, I notice my body and mind starting to calm and the anxiousness dissipates.
Gratitude letter
Close your eyes. Think about someone still living who years ago did something or said something that changed your life for the better. Someone who you never properly thanked; someone you could meet with face to face next week. Your task (if you choose to accept it) is to write a letter of gratitude to that person and to deliver it in person. The letter should be concrete and about 300 words: be specific about what that person did for you and how it affected your life. Once you’ve written the letter, call the person and tell them that you’d like to visit them, but be vague about the purpose of the meeting – it’s more fun when this is a surprise. When you meet them take the time to read the letter and notice their reactions, as well as your own. If they interrupt you, say that you really want them to listen until you have finished the letter. After you’ve finished have a chat about it. It has been scientifically proven that if you were to do this, you’re likely to be happier and less depressed one month from now.
I hope you enjoy putting these suggestions into practice!