Christmas time can be a lot of fun and excitement, but it also can be a time of stress and pressure.

This time of year can really cause people’s buttons to be pushed and old arguments and resentments can easily rekindle when everyone gets together, is tired and overstretched and you throw some alcohol into the mix.

Everyone’s priorities, needs, opinions and pressure points are different and this can sometimes (often!) cause friction.

Here are some things you can do to minimise both yours and everyone elses stress levels and to avoid doing or saying something you might regret.

 

Proactive Communication

I know I talk about this a lot – that’s because it’s relevant and effective in pretty much any situation, particularly pressurised ones.

Communicate ahead of time about things like plans, food, presents, logistics. That way everyone will know where they’re meant to be, when, what they’re doing and who is responsible for what. As with pretty much every human interaction, positive communication is key. And, just because things have always been done a certain way doesn’t mean they always have to be. If the habits and traditions aren’t working, have a calm, honest discussion in plenty of time before the big get together rather than letting resentments and stresses simmer.

Dealing with smaller issues in a timely and effective way means less risk of them becoming larger and having greater fallout.

 

Decide what’s most important

Consider which is more important for you: Having things your way or having a greater degree of harmony and the atmosphere this creates? If you really do want to have your way, think about the potential impact this might have on others and what this might mean for you downstream. No one likes to be controlled whether directly or indirectly, so be mindful of this. You might decide that accommodating everyone’s needs as best you all can turns out to be the best option after all.

Is being brutally honest without regard to the effect it might be having more important than having a relaxing time enjoying each other’s company? Saying your piece without considering the potential ramifications might feel good in the moment, but the consequences could mean upset for others and be painful for you. I personally believe that there are almost always ways to say what you feel you need to assertively, honestly and respectfully.

If getting together is rare and the bonds aren’t as strong, you’ll need to be even more aware of these social challenges.

 

Park and revisit later

Are there some topics that are best left off-limits for the festive season and you can revisit them another (less pressured) time? If you know certain subjects push buttons for people, they might best be avoided in this context.

Leaving the elephant in the room also creates discomfort and maybe even larger issues, so one way of handling it could be to acknowledge its existence and agree to make another time to talk about it.

 

Does everyone need to be involved?

In large groups, it can be difficult to find somewhere to talk privately.   Think about whether some discussions might be better held between two directly relevant parties rather than dragging everyone in and adding their ten cents worth. This is when things can get really out of hand!

People also love to gossip, so ask yourself whether this is a conversation you want overheard and possibly shared later.

 

Why the conflict?

Conflict has many sources such as differences in:

  • personality
  • communication style
  • priorities
  • needs
  • opinions

Whilst this might be difficult to accept, changing someone’s opinion is unlikely, so think carefully about whether defending yours so passionately is necessary or advisable. Likewise, good luck trying to change someone’s personality or communication style!

We’re all seeing the world through our own eyes and make all our decisions and actions based on this. We’re not seeing the world as it is, we’re seeing it as we are. Of course this can be major source of frustration (“Why does he/she do that?” “How can they possibly think they’re right?” “How can she/he treat me this way?” “I can’t believe he/she speaks to me that way!”) but if you accept this rather than fighting it and adjust your own behaviour accordingly you’ll feel a lot better and be less likely to fight back, making things worse.

Boundary crossing is never acceptable and over time it can have some serious repercussions in relationships.   It can be dealt with via some assertive communication and holding the person to account. This might be easier said than done if you’re not used to doing it.  Practice being polite but firm, let the other person know that they are crossing a line and how you feel about it and learn how to say “no”.

If all else fails, I recommend agreeing to disagree.